No one can prepare you for how to be a parent or the experiences that you will go through once you cross the threshold into the land of children, however as in all things, hindsight is always 20/20. Since embarking upon this harrowing journey on October 11, 2011 at 9:28pm, I have made it my mission to try to steer others around the potholes and pit falls that I have found myself falling into or at the very least tripping over. If you ask anyone that is close to me they will tell you that my number one piece of advice for those considering taking this journey is “Bitch don’t do it!” But after we have all had a good laugh over the whole situation and lay out all the facts, my advice generally doesn’t change unless you are married to the other parent of the future child. My second, and a little more quiet piece of advice that is generally reserved for those who have taken the leap into unwed motherhood, although the same can apply to fathers as well but since I am not a father I try never to speak on what they may be thinking, is “always bet on the baby daddy.” Now as with anything else, there are boundaries even to this little gem, if he is crazy, abusive, or generally in a situation that would cause harm to himself, your child, or you then get rid of him. Do what you have to do, and never look back. But…if there is anything at all redeeming about him, bet on him and set your situation up so that you and your child can have what you want, need, and desire.
Before the proverbial head scratching begins, let me take a moment to explain exactly what I mean by my above statement. In a world where marriage is not even on the short list of prerequisites for having a child, new rules must be established because the status quo of our parents and grandparents has been abolished. So, in this new world filled with new rules, one must look at the situation a little differently. If it is possible for you to put him in a position for success without setting yourself up for failure, then do so. Setting him up for success sets your child and ultimately you up for success as well. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not advising you to enable or coddle him, but what I am saying is that if an opportunity presents itself for him to show his skills and thrive and it is legal and profitable and the only thing standing between the opportunity and him is you, get your ass out of the way and allow him to thrive. There are several benefits to stepping out of his way that even I had never thought of until I started writing this blog.
#1 His success sets a good example for your child(ren)
#2 If he is making money then it takes some of the financial stress off your back
#3 What you put into the universe comes back to you 10 fold, so if you do good then good is returned to you, and how many of us could use some good karma
#4 Once you can let go of the stress that you cause yourself by being in his way, you make room for you to do some amazing things of your own
#5 Two is always better than one, meaning that the more positive role models your child(ren) see, the more they want to do positive things
#6 If he is occupied with positive things then he is NOT occupied with what you are doing and that means that you can spend time doing the things that make you happy and YOU CAN ACTUALLY BE HAPPY!
#7 (WHICH SHOULD BE #1) You can bet on him without being in any sort of romantic relationship with him. Part of being a good parent is learning to work together for the good of your child(ren).
If those seven things are not quite enough to convince you or you are just looking for the abridged version then take a moment to think about this, after exerting the minimal energy that it would take to be the bigger (and better) person and help him, you may look up and realize that the act of helping him to get to a better position is actually allowing you to get to a better position as well. If you are anything like me then your hustle is fueled (at least in part) by competition and secretly I cannot deal with the idea that he may be surpassing me in anything that I have not at least tried to do, so the secret competition may work as much in your favor as his.
It may be difficult to digest at first, but if you really think about what you would be willing to do for your kids then you’ll probably come to the same conclusion that I did, if I am willing to walk through fire or take a bullet or voluntarily lay down my own life for the well being of my baby then stepping out of the way of her father’s success is a breeze in comparison.
Until next time, stay fabulous, stay beautiful, and make your bets wisely…